Saturday, January 23, 2021

Home Lifestyle A Lid for Every Pot: A Field Guide to Utah Dating Fauna

A Lid for Every Pot: A Field Guide to Utah Dating Fauna

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Dating. Yuck. Dating in Utah? Weird. Yes. Weird.

Meet the Utah Guys

Peter Pan

  • The forever man-child who hangs out exclusively with a crew of “bros” while indulging in adrenaline-junkie playdates: mountain biking, backcountry skiing and snowboarding, motocross and, of course, Olympic-class drinking. Pete vacillates between wanting to spend all his time with his buddies, and including a cute girl into the mix, only to back-pedal the second she shows any interest. He lives with roommates.

Smooth Operator

  • He’s got all the moves and he knows how to use them. This guy is fully aware that he’s playing Russian dating roulette and he’s not about to lose. His dates are extravagant and the girls seem handpicked from ABC’s The Bachelor—but his season never ends. His phone is constantly buzzing with mysterious texts and when you sneak a peek, his contacts are organized by his first name and online dating app—”Jane Tinder” or “Susan OKCupid.”

Lumbersexual

  • This metrosexual dons plaid everything and has a collection of moisturizing beard waxes special-ordered from his boutique barber: He wears a skinny jeans, drinks Bulletproof coffee, hangs out at Bar X, and sports tattoos of ’70s retro cartoons, American-Indian symbology or Chinese characters he pretends to know the meaning of. He doesn’t recreate much outside of clipping his bonsai trees or puffing on flavored e-cigarettes while listening to NPR.

Mountain Man

  • On your first date, he takes you on a full-moon snowshoe hike to a yurt where he cooks you a meal over an open fire. His every activity involves extended periods sleeping under the stars, foraging for food and not showering for days on end. If you aren’t sweating, it isn’t fun. At any given time, the back and roof of his Subaru Outback holds skis, climbing gear, a kayak, fly fishing equipment, a camp stove, sleeping bag and, if you’re special, toilet paper.

Sad Dad

  • He talks a little too much about his children and still checks with his ex-wife before making plans. It’s obvious he hasn’t been out in a while because, in his mind, dinner and a movie are still the only real dates. He wants to settle down and be in a committed relationship, but he has intimacy issues stemming from his frigid ex-wife’s refusal, for reasons still unknown to him, to have sex. Finding time for a new relationship between soccer practice, dance recitals, piano and ski team is nearly impossible.

The Horndog

  • He’s just in it for the sex, and he’s not keeping it a secret. His opening line when you connect online is, “Hey, what are you wearing tonight?” His profile photos include pictures of him surfing, riding a motorcycle, petting a tiger and posing with a hot girl he claims is his sister. He works in marketing or advertising and drives a jacked-up truck with chrome wheels. Dates start and end at his place—where he has a basket full of condoms on his bedside table and disposable toothbrushes in his bathroom vanity.

Meet the Utah Girls

City Slicker

  • Despite Utah being basically a basecamp for outdoor activities, this princess eschews them all, preferring instead to shop at city Creek, get her nails replaced every two weeks and hit the spa to gossip with her girlfriends. Her hair is amazing, her makeup is impeccable, her clothes are the latest style and she drives a killer car. She doesn’t ski, bike, hike or camp, but she will do a number on your credit card at Nordstrom.

Husband Trap

  • She is sweet, agreeable, fun . . . and just wants to move in and spawn babies after five dates. Don’t be surprised if you invite her over for dinner and she shows up with a bag of toiletries, a cute nightie and her favorite pillow. She drops the “L” bomb with reckless abandon and posts photos of couple activities all over social media, calling you her bae. She gets angry if you don’t respond to her texts immediately and accuses you of ignoring her.

Rad Chick

  • She shreds, she swears, she hangs with the boys. Hell, she is as cool or cooler than the boys. The sassy female equivalent of the “Mountain Man” is all active, all outdoors, all the time. On any given weekend, she is tearing up the ski hill after a morning hot yoga session and bouldering indoors in the afternoon before hitting the trails for a quick six-mile run. Keep up, boys, or keep going.

Man Eater

  • This lady is hungry and she ain’t afraid to show it. She’ll proposition anything with a pulse and begins exchanges with sultry [she hopes] invitations like, “Cum meet me tonight.” Subtlety is not her strong suit. She believes flirting involves beating a man over the head with her overt sexuality. She might also boast decade-old ‘bait and switch” photos from more svelt days in her online dating quiver.

Alpha Girl

  • This no-nonsense girl gets sh*t done. She is put together, knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it with 110 percent of her energy. Not one for sitting around, this A-type personality would rather make her own fun than wait for it to come to her. She is most definitely a lawyer, banker, real-estate agent or works for a large tech firm. And she didn’t get ahead by sleeping her way to the top. She outsmarted all the other men in her way—storming her way through life while opening car doors and pulling seats out for herself. She’s very lonely.

Child Bride

She got hitched when she was barely legal, had kids and realized in her mid-thirties that she didn’t know who she married or who she is, for that matter. Now, she’s sowing overdue wild oats and, creepily, looking for a father-figure for both her and her children. Exhibits characteristics of Husband Trap and Man Eater, but is on a path of self-discovery that involves binge drinking and meeting up with MILF friends at da club.

Dating has always been hard. Dating in the digital world is insane. Read more about #dating here:

What’s your favorite park in Utah? ...

Our Jan/Feb issue is out on stands now! This issue means so much to us. Made with lots of love and tears. We hope you’ll grab a copy and enjoy every moment of reading it. ❤️ ...

Here's one from our upcoming Jan/Feb issue out on stands in just a few days. We hope you’ll grab a copy and enjoy every moment of reading it.⁠

Mary photobombs Lisa Barlow at the premiere party for Real Housewives of Salt Lake. Below is a snippet from Mary's last editor's letter:⁠

"It’s all a little crazy.⁠
Sometime in 2020, the world stopped making sense for a lot of us. Between one of the ugliest election cycles the U.S. has ever been through and the most mysterious disease most of us have ever experienced, normal was canceled. We can’t get together with friends, hug our loved ones, be in the room with them when they die. But somehow we have to go on, right? Somehow we have to continue to work and love and laugh. This issue of Salt Lake magazine holds a lot of frivolity, the main one being an extremely silly TV show, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. There I am in a pink fur coat in a car with our cover housewife, Lisa Barlow and her boys."⁠

Pick up our Jan/Feb issue at your local grocer and read the full letter. ❤️

Link in bio to subscribe.
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We love you so much, Salt Lake ❤️⁠

Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday. Be merry, be bright and be good for goodness sake! ✨
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Skip the milk and cookies this holiday and leave out something that Santa really wants 🍺😉🎅⁠

Check out our local holiday beer round up for last minute gift ideas! Link in bio!
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Mary's last-minute holiday gift ideas from last year are still as true and relevant today...⁠

"The planet we live with and the creatures on it need all kinds of things. Polar bears need presents, tree frogs in the Amazon need gifts, our Utah canyons and our national parks need help."⁠

Check the link in bio for full write up.
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There was never a time there wasn’t Mary Malouf. Until now. Today, Mary died when a rogue wave swept her out to sea off the coast of Northern California. Only she – perhaps the world’s foremost lover of Bronte, BBC mysteries and, of course, Moby Dick – would appreciate such poetic drama.

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.” — Mary Brown Malouf. Ooops. Herman Mellville.
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