Saturday, April 17, 2021
Home Lifestyle A Lid for Every Pot: A Field Guide to Utah Dating Fauna

A Lid for Every Pot: A Field Guide to Utah Dating Fauna

649
Dating. Yuck. Dating in Utah? Weird. Yes. Weird.

Meet the Utah Guys

Peter Pan

  • The forever man-child who hangs out exclusively with a crew of “bros” while indulging in adrenaline-junkie playdates: mountain biking, backcountry skiing and snowboarding, motocross and, of course, Olympic-class drinking. Pete vacillates between wanting to spend all his time with his buddies, and including a cute girl into the mix, only to back-pedal the second she shows any interest. He lives with roommates.

Smooth Operator

  • He’s got all the moves and he knows how to use them. This guy is fully aware that he’s playing Russian dating roulette and he’s not about to lose. His dates are extravagant and the girls seem handpicked from ABC’s The Bachelor—but his season never ends. His phone is constantly buzzing with mysterious texts and when you sneak a peek, his contacts are organized by his first name and online dating app—”Jane Tinder” or “Susan OKCupid.”

Lumbersexual

  • This metrosexual dons plaid everything and has a collection of moisturizing beard waxes special-ordered from his boutique barber: He wears a skinny jeans, drinks Bulletproof coffee, hangs out at Bar X, and sports tattoos of ’70s retro cartoons, American-Indian symbology or Chinese characters he pretends to know the meaning of. He doesn’t recreate much outside of clipping his bonsai trees or puffing on flavored e-cigarettes while listening to NPR.

Mountain Man

  • On your first date, he takes you on a full-moon snowshoe hike to a yurt where he cooks you a meal over an open fire. His every activity involves extended periods sleeping under the stars, foraging for food and not showering for days on end. If you aren’t sweating, it isn’t fun. At any given time, the back and roof of his Subaru Outback holds skis, climbing gear, a kayak, fly fishing equipment, a camp stove, sleeping bag and, if you’re special, toilet paper.

Sad Dad

  • He talks a little too much about his children and still checks with his ex-wife before making plans. It’s obvious he hasn’t been out in a while because, in his mind, dinner and a movie are still the only real dates. He wants to settle down and be in a committed relationship, but he has intimacy issues stemming from his frigid ex-wife’s refusal, for reasons still unknown to him, to have sex. Finding time for a new relationship between soccer practice, dance recitals, piano and ski team is nearly impossible.

The Horndog

  • He’s just in it for the sex, and he’s not keeping it a secret. His opening line when you connect online is, “Hey, what are you wearing tonight?” His profile photos include pictures of him surfing, riding a motorcycle, petting a tiger and posing with a hot girl he claims is his sister. He works in marketing or advertising and drives a jacked-up truck with chrome wheels. Dates start and end at his place—where he has a basket full of condoms on his bedside table and disposable toothbrushes in his bathroom vanity.

Meet the Utah Girls

City Slicker

  • Despite Utah being basically a basecamp for outdoor activities, this princess eschews them all, preferring instead to shop at city Creek, get her nails replaced every two weeks and hit the spa to gossip with her girlfriends. Her hair is amazing, her makeup is impeccable, her clothes are the latest style and she drives a killer car. She doesn’t ski, bike, hike or camp, but she will do a number on your credit card at Nordstrom.

Husband Trap

  • She is sweet, agreeable, fun . . . and just wants to move in and spawn babies after five dates. Don’t be surprised if you invite her over for dinner and she shows up with a bag of toiletries, a cute nightie and her favorite pillow. She drops the “L” bomb with reckless abandon and posts photos of couple activities all over social media, calling you her bae. She gets angry if you don’t respond to her texts immediately and accuses you of ignoring her.

Rad Chick

  • She shreds, she swears, she hangs with the boys. Hell, she is as cool or cooler than the boys. The sassy female equivalent of the “Mountain Man” is all active, all outdoors, all the time. On any given weekend, she is tearing up the ski hill after a morning hot yoga session and bouldering indoors in the afternoon before hitting the trails for a quick six-mile run. Keep up, boys, or keep going.

Man Eater

  • This lady is hungry and she ain’t afraid to show it. She’ll proposition anything with a pulse and begins exchanges with sultry [she hopes] invitations like, “Cum meet me tonight.” Subtlety is not her strong suit. She believes flirting involves beating a man over the head with her overt sexuality. She might also boast decade-old ‘bait and switch” photos from more svelt days in her online dating quiver.

Alpha Girl

  • This no-nonsense girl gets sh*t done. She is put together, knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it with 110 percent of her energy. Not one for sitting around, this A-type personality would rather make her own fun than wait for it to come to her. She is most definitely a lawyer, banker, real-estate agent or works for a large tech firm. And she didn’t get ahead by sleeping her way to the top. She outsmarted all the other men in her way—storming her way through life while opening car doors and pulling seats out for herself. She’s very lonely.

Child Bride

She got hitched when she was barely legal, had kids and realized in her mid-thirties that she didn’t know who she married or who she is, for that matter. Now, she’s sowing overdue wild oats and, creepily, looking for a father-figure for both her and her children. Exhibits characteristics of Husband Trap and Man Eater, but is on a path of self-discovery that involves binge drinking and meeting up with MILF friends at da club.

Dating has always been hard. Dating in the digital world is insane. Read more about #dating here:

You know it's spring in Utah when cherry blossoms are in full bloom at the @utstatecapitol ⁠🌸😍⁠

Photo by @gravesstuart
...

Inspired by @oldsaltlake, we're celebrating #throwbackthursday with a favorite snapshot of early 20th century Salt Lake City. 🏖️⁠

Photos shared by @oldsaltlake are inspiring millennials and zoomers decades later with visions of a different city: one with easily accessible public transportation, walkable streets, local businesses (open late) and distinctive architecture.⁠

See more photos at the link in our bio. ⁠

Pictured: Women relax at what is believed to be Saltair Beach, date unknown
...

Why did Utah's only Titanic passenger not survive her journey?⁠

The descendants of Irene Corbett believe that the 30-year-old teacher sacrificed her life to save others. It's one of the many ways this remarkable figure bucked tradition and forged her own trail.⁠

Read more about Irene at the link in our bio!
...

One year ago today: a Salt Lake earthquake that even shook Moroni 👼⁠

Photo by @gravesstuart
...

"We must have done something right, cause you guys kept coming back."⁠

@bluepelatedinerslc, one of Salt Lake's signature spots for everyone from hungover college kids to vegan food lovers, will be closing its doors this May after more than two decades of service. It's the latest casualty in a brutal year for the restaurant industry. ⁠

Head to the link in our bio for a tribute to Blue Plate Diner. (And keep supporting your favorite local restaurants. ❤️)
...

Tony Caputo, a food evangelist and founding father of today’s SLC food community, passed away last night.⁠

Tony started @caputosmarket in 1997, bringing his passion for the cuisine of his heritage to Utah tables. Most days during the lunch rush you’d find Tony behind the counter slicing meat and cheeses and then, after it wound down, holding court out front. He’d often rush back behind the counter and holler over his shoulder, “you have to try this!" only to return with a sample bite of veiny cheese, a paper-thin leaf of prosciutto or a perfectly crisp amaretti cookie that he’d recently added to his menagerie of taste. For his many contributions to Salt Lake City, we awarded Tony with a Lifetime Achievement Dining Award in 2007.⁠

Today, we're sending love to @caputosmarket and the many people whose lives were touched by Tony. A full tribute is on our website now. ❤️
...

Why is the Pleasant Grove theme park Evermore suing one of the most powerful women in music? Long story short: a playground for those who would choose lore over folklore is taking on Taylor Swift over the name of her most recent album. Both parties have their reputation on the line in a battle of undercover Swifties and novelty mug disputes. Will Evermore hit the gold rush? Or did they cross the wrong mad woman? The full story is at the link in our bio. ...

Even in the exploration boom of the 1800s, nobody dared to explore the terrain flowing through the Green and the Colorado Rivers.⁠

That is, nobody until Major John W. Powell said the 19th Century equivalent of “Hey man, hold my beer while I try this.”⁠

Read more about his dangerous expedition at the link in our bio!⁠

Photo of Powell’s expedition courtesy Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division⁠
...

A brand new issue of Salt Lake magazine is coming your way! ⁠

We can't wait to share these stories with you. This issue includes our annual Blue Plate Awards celebrating those surviving and thriving in the restaurant biz. Plus, we take a road trip to Wyoming and ask why the only Utah passenger on the Titanic didn’t survive her journey.⁠

A note from our editor Jeremy Pugh, including beautiful tributes to Mary Brown Malouf from our friends in the community, is online now. Read more at the link in our bio ❤️⁠

Subscribers: Look for this issue in your mailbox soon. The magazine will be on newsstands March 1! 📬
...

Today, we are thrilled to announce the winners of the 2021 Blue Plate Awards! ⁠🎉⁠

These prizes honor the growers, food evangelists, grocers, servers, bakers, chefs, bartenders and restaurateurs who do more than put good food on the table—they make our community a better place to live. This year, just surviving as a local business deserves an award, but each of our Blue Plate winners did more than that. They made us grateful for every person involved in the essential act of feeding us.⁠ 🍽⁠

At the link in our bio, we have the full list of winners, a celebration of feats of COVID creativity and a tribute to restaurants we lost this year. If you’re hungry for more, pick up a copy on newsstands March 1! Plus, check out our Instagram for spotlights on some of the Blue Plate winners. ⁠

This year’s Blue Plate Awards are the first without our beloved Executive Editor Mary Brown Malouf. We dedicate them to her, our town’s biggest food fan, critic and champion. xoxomm⁠ 💙
...

2021 Blue Plate Award winner: @ricobrandut for Staying in Beansness⁠

Last summer, it seemed that Rico would be another victim of rapid gentrification in Salt Lake. Luckily, Rico was able to find a new home in Poplar Grove and now plans to add even more employees. It’s a last-minute happy ending for a community leader who literally wears his mission on his sleeve, courtesy a tattoo in bright red block letters: “pay it forward.” 💙⁠
...

2021 Blue Plate Award Winner: @spicekitchenincubator for Keeping the Spice Flowing⁠

This year Spice Kitchen Incubator, already an essential resource for refugees, became, well, even more essential. 💙⁠
...

2021 Blue Plate Award winner: @thestore_utah for Special Deliveries ⁠

As grocery delivery becomes the new norm, The Store offers a personal touch that only an independent grocer can provide. Last March, high-risk and elderly customers began calling in their grocery lists over the phone, and The Store’s general managers personally delivered food to their homes. 💙⁠
...

2021 Blue Plate Award winner: @cucinaslc for Preserving Neighborhood Connection⁠

Cucina’s outdoor spaces became a place where the neighborhood could gather safely. Owner Dean Pierose offered free coffee in the mornings and encouraged his regulars to linger and commiserate together, preserving a semblance of society during a socially distanced time. 💙⁠
...

X
X