Satire: Dear Future Landlord

Dear Future Landlord (we hope, fingers crossed!),

Just writing a personal note about my recent application to rent the apartment you have available. It would be perfect for me and my boyfriend! We’re “outdoorsy” types who moved here because my marketing job in San Francisco says I can live anywhere now and who can afford to live there? Not me and Seamus that’s for sure. Yes, I did notice that the stove doesn’t work but that’s OK, Seamus totally has a camp stove because we just love camping and feel like living in your one-bedroom shack for $2,300 a month would feel a lot like camping every day! We love the wildlife living in the attic although we’re new to Utah so we weren’t sure if those were birds or baby raccoons scuttling around up there. Either way, we’re looking forward to adopting more fur (or feather) babies! 

On that, the application noted that pets are accepted with a $1,000 pet deposit. Our 1-year-old black lab puppy is so well-behaved (you have to meet him!) We wondered if you’d consider waiving that fee. We only mention it because the place is mainly bare wooden studs and exposed nails (which we love, very rustic), we’re not sure what little Arches (we named him after the national park!) could actually damage in there. 

I did have a question about the wires hanging from the ceiling. Were those attached to fire alarms at some point? I only ask because of the open flames from our camp stove and my mom is worried. You know how moms are, right? Always with the advice. Don’t move to Utah with some guy you met on Tinder, blah blah blah stuff, like that. 

You’ll notice that I’ve already Venmo-ed you for the first and last month’s rent, non-refundable cleaning deposit, application fee, credit check fee and background check fee. Also, please find attached a scan of my social security card, driver’s license and passport as well as this super cute picture of me and Seamus in the mountains—our true love. (Seamus was trying to teach me to ski, so he looks a little grouchy, but deep down he’s a sweetie!) We know you have a lot of interest and the rental market is very competitive but we hope you’ll consider our application (or put in a good word for us to the owners of the adorably renovated children’s playhouse across the street) so we can start our Utah adventure together! #utahisrad!

Peace and love, 

Madison and Seamus (and Arches)

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Jeremy Pugh
Jeremy Pugh
Jeremy Pugh is Salt Lake magazine's Editor. He covers culture, history, the outdoors and whatever needs a look. Jeremy is also the author of the book "100 Things to Do in Salt Lake City Before You Die" and the co-author of the history, culture and urban legend guidebook "Secret Salt Lake."

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