A Grown-Up’s Guide to the Rides at Lagoon

Thousands of kids have come of age on the midway at Lagoon, Utah’s biggest and best amusement park. But now you (yes, you in the dad jeans) are not a kid anymore. Nevertheless, you and your landlubber stomach have been dragged here with your kids. Be sure to pack the Pepto Bismol and review this honest guide to what you are in for. 

What it’s called: Tidal Wave
What it should be called: Giant Sea Saw Swing Boat 
What it does: It puts whatever food you have in your stomach into a free fall in the middle of your esophagus.
Where to sit: The extreme back rows give the most exaggerated effect, if that’s what you’re going for.
Upchuck Factor: High

What it’s called: Musik Express
What it should be called: The Spinning Circle Ride that Where the Ride Kid Plays Nickelback Real Loud
What it does: Goes in circles, like, really fast over some hills and on an angle while loud, bad music blares out of speakers creating a Doppler effect in your brain that lasts the rest of the day.
Where to sit: It’s a circle, sit wherever. 
Upchuck factor: High

What it’s called: Colossus: The Fire Dragon 
What it should be called: The One Where You Scream for 61 Seconds Until It’s Over
What it does: Climbs up a steep hill, drops you down the steep hill onto steel tracks that rocket you through two loops and then you black out and forget the rest until it stops. 
Where to sit: The front row. It’s better to look your doom right in the eye. 
Upchuck factor: Low
Bonus tip: As you enter the loops turn your head towards the midway to watch it flip upside down. Note: this increases the Upchuck Factor to High. 

What it’s called: Turn of the Century
What should be called: Giant Flying Swings That are Scarier Than They Look. 
What it does: Uses basic principles of centrifugal force to fling you in circles high above that gross lake in the middle of the park. 
Where to sit: On the outside swings or are you too chicken? 
Upchuck factor: Medium

Cannibal at Lagoon Park in Farmington
Cannibal (Photo courtesy Lagoon)

What it’s called: Boomerang
What it should be called: Bumper Cars. It’s just bumper cars. Sheesh.
What it does: Allows younger brothers to enact bumper car vengeance on older brothers who think they are so cool.
Where to sit: Car number 8. Eight is your favorite number.
Upchuck factor: Low

What it’s called: Log Flume
What it should be called: Weaksauce Splash Mountain
What it does: Allows you to fulfill your dream of feeling what timber feels like on the way to the sawmill while getting your clothes soaking wet.
Where to sit: First two rows get wet.
Upchuck factor: None. It’s just a plastic log that goes down a hill. 

What it’s called: Samurai
What it should be called: Vicious Egg Beaters in the Sky
What it does: Flings you in every direction at once while you inventory everything you’ve eaten in the last hour. You just had to have those churros, didn’t you?
Where to sit: Not on the Samurai.
Upchuck factor: You will barf. 

What it’s called: Wicked
What it should be called: WTF Just Happened? 
What it does: Sorry, it’s way more fun to see the look on your face when you poop your pants. 
Where to sit: Middle, back, wherever, you won’t see it coming.
Upchuck factor: High

What it’s called: The Terror Ride
What it should be called: That Horn at the End Scares You Every Time
What it does: Subjects you to being stuck on a track in a bad haunted house that isn’t even scary until OH MY GOD!
Where to sit: Between your mom and dad so it can’t get you.
Upchuck factor: None.

Wild Mouse at Lagoon park in Farmington
Wild Mouse (Photo courtesy Lagoon)

What it’s called: Wild Mouse
What it should be called: The Impertinent Neck Jerking Machine 
What it does: Jars your neck and back at right angles broken up moments of tummy flipping drops. 
Where to sit: Doesn’t matter. This thing’ll jerk you around real good. 
Upchuck factor: Low

What it’s called: Roller Coaster
What it should be called: The White Roller Coaster
What it does: Gives you a sense of how boring life must have been in the 1920s. 
Where to sit: Front. Always the front. 
Upchuck factor: Medium

What it’s called: Cannibal
What it should be called: I Can See You Screaming on Google Maps.
What it does: Upside down twisty thing from, like up way, way, way, way up there and then WHOOSH it’s over and you’ve lost all the change in your pockets.
Where to sit: The extra breeze you get on the left or right sides is pretty satisfying.
Upchuck factor: High, though the ride is smoother than you might expect

What it’s called: Centennial Screamer
What it should be called: Screamer’s pretty apt. 
What it does: Goes in a circle, fast and then when you are used to that pain the angle mixes it up like those things they put the astronauts on to teach them about gravity. You’re no astronaut Claudia. 
Where to sit: It’s a circle. Wherever.
Upchuck factor: High. 

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