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    Categories: FunIn the MagazineOutdoors

A Grown-Up’s Guide to the Rides at Lagoon

You (yes, you in the dad jeans) are not a kid anymore. Nevertheless, here you are at Lagoon with your landlubber stomach. A guide for the wary.

Our Guide: Upchuck factor     

 Tidal Wave

Giant Sea-Saw Swing McBoatie

It puts whatever food you have in your stomach into free fall.

The extreme back rows exaggerate the effect.

  High

Musik Express

The Spinning Circle Ride Where the Sadistic Kid Operator Plays Nickelback Real Loud

Goes in circles, like, really fast over some hills and on an angle while loud, very bad music blares out of speakers creating a Doppler affect in your brain that lasts the rest of the day.

It’s a circle, sit wherever.

High

Colossus: The Fire Dragon

The One Where You Scream for 61 Seconds Then It’s Over

Climbs up a steep hill, drops you down the steep hill onto steel tracks that rocket you through two loops and then you black out and sort of forget the rest until it stops.

The front row. It’s better to look doom right in the eye.

Low

As you enter the loops, turn your head towards the midway to watch it flip upside down. This will increase the upchuck factor to High

Log Flume

Weaksauce Splash Mountain

Allows you to fulfill your dream of feeling what timber feels like on the way to the sawmill while getting your clothes soaking wet.

First two rows get wet.

Zero. It’s just a plastic log that goes down a hill.

The Samurai

Vicious Egg Beaters in the Sky

Flings you in every direction at once while you inventory everything you’ve eaten in the last hour. You just had to have those churros, didn’t you?

Not on the Samurai.

You will barf.

Cannibal

They Can See You Screaming on Google Earth.

Upside-down twisty thing from, like, up way, way, way, way up there and then, WHOOSH it’s over and you’ve lost all the change in your pockets. 

Boomerang

Bumper Cars. It’s just bumper cars. Sheesh.

Allows younger brothers to enact bumper car vengeance on older brothers who think they are so cool.

Car number 8. Eight is your favorite number.

Low 

The Terror Ride

That Horn at the End Scares You Every Time

Subjects you to being stuck on a track in a bad haunted house that isn’t even scary until OH MY GOD!

Between your mom and dad so it can’t get you.

None

The Wild Mouse

The Impertinent Neck-jerking Machine

Jars your neck and back at right angles enlivened by moments of tummy-flipping drops.

Doesn’t matter. This thing’ll jerk you around real good.

Low

The Roller Coaster

The White Roller Coaster

Gives you a sense of how boring life must have been in the 1920s.

Front. Always the front.

Medium 

Wicked

WTF Just Happened?

Sorry, it’s way more fun to see the look on your face when you poop your pants.

Middle, back, wherever, you won’t see it coming.

High 

www.lagoonpark.com

See more inside the 2017 May/June Issue.See more inside the 2017 May/June Issue.

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