so you moved to Utah and you’re like, “Mom, the drivers here are THE WORST.” And your mom is like, “Are you going to turn Mormon?” That last part is up to you but meanwhile let us set you straight on the rules of the road in the Beehive State.

Yellow lights: More of an option here in Utah. You need to get to your date with utahisrad82. If you have to stop at a red light, for some reason, you can text utahisrad82 and let them know that you’ll “BRT.” Don’t worry about when the light turns green. Finish your text. We’ll wait.

Turn signals: These are optional and more of a question, really. Like, “Hey I was thinking about coming over into your lane as indicated by this blinky light. May I?” No. You may not.

Four-way stops: Driver’s ed was sooo long ago. Who can even remember how they are supposed to work? Just treat them like a game of chicken.

Merging: Under no circumstances let anyone in. You have to win at all costs. We hear tell about something called a “zipper.” This a myth perpetuated by carpet baggers from back east, somewhere.

Left-hand turns: If you are proceeding through the intersection and a driver turning left misjudges the distance and turns in front of you, DO NOT reduce speed. Make sure you almost, but don’t quite, T-bone them to help them understand what a crappy driver they are. They know what they did.

Roundabouts: These came from somewhere back east or something, Europe? We don’t know how to use these. Let the spirit guide you.

Pedestrians: Why are you even walking? If for some reason you are (are you a Poor?), just realize you are invisible to the people in the giant death-dealing metal boxes who are late for Tinder dates. Those orange flags at the crosswalks are invisible too. But keep waving them like a you’re a signalman on the deck of a clipper ship. It’s funny.

Distance: Just get right up on the bumper of the car in front you. That way they will know you are there.

Speed limits: Either 15 mph more than what the sign says or 15 less. Those signs with the numbers are really just helpful suggestions and an opportunity to practice your basic arithmetic skills.

Speed: Be sure to match the speed of the driver next to you to create a “wedge of self-righteousness” for the drivers behind you. (Thanks for the tip, Dave Hatch). Bonus if you can hang out in the blind spot of the driver next to you.

Cyclists: Are jerks. Buzz them and remember that for you the risk is only a broken side mirror. For them, it’s a potential trip to the hospital and/or death. Optional: Yell, “get a car!” as you make them poop their spandex shorts.

Passing lanes: Huh? All the lanes belong to you. Pick the one that feels right and just hang out. The people behind you will go around and glare at you as they pass. Ignore that.

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