Satire: Learn to Ski!

WHY LEARN NOW? No idea. You’re the one who moved to Utah. You’re like, “Mom. No. I’m not going to turn Mormon. Yes. I know, skiing is dangerous. I’ll take a lesson. Hey, can you pay for the lessons?”

WHEN TO GO? Look out the window. Is there snow in the mountains? This is when people who know how to ski are skiing. We know—it’s cold.

Learn to Ski in Utah - Bearded man
Utahisrad83 (photo by Craig McKay/Pexels)

HOW MUCH? All 15 Utah resorts offer first-timer deals that include, tickets and lessons for first-timers. They want you to learn to ski, just like UtahisRad83 on Tinder.

WHAT ABOUT SNOWBOARDING? We have no idea. It looks like you fall on your face, like literally, on your face, a lot. Just learn to ski already. UtahisRad83 isn’t going to stay on the market forever.

WHERE TO GO? Tough question. Alta and Snowbird both have the reputation of “if you can learn here you can ski anywhere,” and that’s true. Plus, you can put an Alta sticker on your car. (Wait? Did you put an Alta sticker on your car already? You’re not supposed to do that until you know how to ski.) We like Brighton—it’s cheap(ish) and its ski school has been teaching generations of Salt Lakers for, ahem, generations. Solitude is cool too. They have some transferable ticket packs that won’t break the bank. Park City is huge, and Deer Valley is super plush. Snowbasin isn’t as far a drive as you think and Powder Mountain is the best-kept secret in Utah. But really? You do not know how to ski, so what do you know about anything? Just pick one! They all have great ski schools and deals for 32-year-olds who want to ski just enough to meet bearded Utah guys on Tinder.

WHAT TO EXPECT? Mostly the recurring loss of dignity that comes with trying to learn to ski after the age of 10. Prepare to fall in cold snow many times. Post that selfie before you start.

BUT FOR REAL. DON’T LISTEN TO US (OR UTAHISRAD83).To truly find out more about learning to ski or snowboard in Utah (or anywhere, cuz duh, you’ll know how), visit the experts at Ski Utah for a complete list of ski schools and deals at Utah’s 15 resorts.

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Jeremy Pugh
Jeremy Pugh
Jeremy Pugh is Salt Lake magazine's Editor. He covers culture, history, the outdoors and whatever needs a look. Jeremy is also the author of the book "100 Things to Do in Salt Lake City Before You Die" and the co-author of the history, culture and urban legend guidebook "Secret Salt Lake."

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