For two self-identified “Exmormons,” our conservation nevertheless begins in a way that feels entrenched in Mormonism. “We might be cousins,” says Alyssa Grenfell, author of How to Leave the Mormon Church. We both descend from the same Mormon polygamist stock. 170 years after our Mormon pioneer family arrived in the Salt Lake Valley, Grenfell disavowed the faith of her forebears. In her book, she contemplates if those ancestors would be disappointed in her or respect her conviction for leaving the Mormon church.
“I like to think the same wild conviction that drove my ancestors to convert to Mormonism and then risk death by crossing to Utah is the same wild conviction that drove me to leave the church,” she writes. “The same recklessness compelled me to write a book that may mean certain family members will never speak to me again.”
How to Leave the Mormon Church is for those whose convictions have also led them away from the Mormon Church. Whatever the reasons, extricating oneself from a high-demand religion risks severing relationships with family, friends and community.
Even before writing the book, Grenfell had become an “Exmormon guru” for her friends. “I was very public about leaving, and a lot of people stopped talking to me in the wake of that,” she says. Then, during and after the pandemic, Mormon Church attendance declined, and friends who had once stopped speaking to Grenfell now sought her guidance. To field the questions and consternations of prospective Exmormons, Grenfell offers compassion and understanding as well as practical advice to navigate the process.
She tells personal stories “because I think that’s what a lot of people need…to feel less lonely and have a friend to confide in, to make you feel like you’re not crazy.”
The second half of the book is a how-to for engaging in aspects of life discouraged by Mormon doctrine and culture (e.g.: ordering a cup of coffee, reexamining political beliefs or deconstructing religious shame). The key piece of knowledge Grenfell hopes readers glean from the book is avoiding the temptation to swap one dogma for another. “You have an answer for everything when you’re in the church, from how to dress, who to marry, how many kids to have,” she says. And, even after they stopped believing in the church, “People would come to me almost looking for someone to tell them how or what to be.”
“There’s such a craving for certainty that people are willing to just jump on whatever the next train is because they just want the certainty back,” says Grenfell. “With the book, I’m trying to help people develop their own voice, autonomy and self-confidence.”
Get the Book
How to leave The Mormon Church: An Exmormon’s Guide to Rebuilding
After Religion. By Alyssa Grenfell
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