Poor Golden State. The team that lost the NBA Championship last year to Cleveland (gosh, that had to sting), is headed to Salt Lake to play in the second round of the NBA playoffs against the Jazz and they just spent a lot of time whining about it to ESPN.
Turns out, Salt Lake is boring. They’d rather be in Los Angeles. They think all we have to offer is a Benihana and an Olive Garden. Wah, wah, wah. Part of me wants to let them think that we’re a boring town because I like my housing prices like I like my crime rates and my blood alcohol levels—low. But I’m not going to let these Northern California snobs besmirch the good name of my adopted city. No sir. Not on my watch.
So, Golden State, I know you told ESPN that you’re looking for clubs—but that’s not how we roll in SLC. We’re more of a get-to-know-you-over-a-craft-cocktail kind of town. We like Water Witch, Under Current and Bodega and the Rest for that.
And you probably didn’t know this in your Northern California bubble, but we’re actually a damn good food town. Check out Pallet, HSL and Fireside on Regent. They aren’t near the arena like the Olive Garden, but we do have Uber and Lyft—even here in flyover country.
And, I’ll have you know, we do have clubs. Google can tell you where they are, but I’d suggest you check out our local music scene instead. Catch a show at The State Room, Urban Lounge or Kilby Court—But please stand in the back. Y’all are tall! I bet a mellow night out and an early bedtime might even help your game. Jazz fans tell me you’re gonna need it.
Oh, and one more thing—we don’t have the ocean you wanted in L.A., but look around you. These mountains aren’t so bad, right? Literally, Golden State—take a hike.
So, those are my suggestions for your time in my fair city. I’m even willing to offer myself up as a tour guide, but you should know I’m a Ohio native and a competitive person by nature and I’ll insist on calling your team “first place losers” all night long.