Nextdoor.com has opened up the ability for neighbors to communicate and connect without actually communicating and connecting, IRL. (Cuz. Yuck.) For example, it has helped me track down the owner of a stray rooster or to deliver a misdelivered package so Carl could have his resoled Birkenstocks before the Fourth of July. But mainly…Nextdoor is a pit of rage, bile, pettiness, paranoia, self-righteousness, self-congratulatory smugness and weaponized nosiness. These are the rules of the Nextdoor Neighborhood.

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Be Sure to Let Everyone Know What a Good Neighbor You Are.

I shovel my sidewalks in the winter and ensure that the cleared path is the exact width as the sidewalk, nice clean lines. I follow it up with a thin layer of ice melt to ensure my sidewalks are safe for all to walk upon. I do my part and make sure everyone who doesn’t gets my attention on Nextdoor.com.

What’s That Noise?

It is one of the most important principles of engaging on Nextdoor: When you hear something, post something. Was that a gunshot? No. It was a car backfiring. Was that a gunshot? No. It was fireworks for Chinese New Year. Perhaps Nextdoor could create a “different loud sounds” feature for its app and allow users to test and grow their loud sound knowledge. Dog barking or gunshot? Garbage truck or AK-47? Door slamming or sniper?

What To Do If Your Package Was Stolen.

Let everyone know on Nextdoor, immediately. In ALL CAPS. Later, after I discover it misdelivered on my porch, I’ll return it to you and post about it on Nextdoor.

Somebody Parked In My Spot.

It is not your spot. Street parking is public. Now instead of posting on the Nextdoor App about that car blocking your driveway, you could take action. You could try to find the owner, contact parking enforcement (there’s an app for that). Or you could slash the tires. Me, I don’t actually slash the tires, but I dream about slashing the tires and live out my fantasy on Nextdoor. It makes me feel better.

Please Note the Poop.

Do you think that when the comments on a dog poop thread exceed 50 rants, that a magical poop fairy visits the irresponsible dog owners to force them to clean it up? No, there is no poop fairy and the owners won’t do it, they are not responsible citizens and do not use Nextdoor.com. Just try not to step in it.

A Suspicious Person Is Wearing A Hoodie.

You are a racist.

More Bird Pictures.

We can all be better neighbors. It can start with posting relevant and important information to the Nextdoor App. Also, post pictures of birds. I love those, especially the owls.

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This story is included in the May/June issue of Salt Lake magazine. Read the whole magazine here.