You (yes, you in the dad jeans) are not a kid anymore. Nevertheless, here you are at Lagoon with your landlubber stomach. A guide for the wary.
Our Guide: Upchuck factor 
Tidal Wave
Giant Sea-Saw Swing McBoatie
It puts whatever food you have in your stomach into free fall.
The extreme back rows exaggerate the effect.
High
Musik Express
The Spinning Circle Ride Where the Sadistic Kid Operator Plays Nickelback Real Loud
Goes in circles, like, really fast over some hills and on an angle while loud, very bad music blares out of speakers creating a Doppler affect in your brain that lasts the rest of the day.
It’s a circle, sit wherever.
High
Colossus: The Fire Dragon
The One Where You Scream for 61 Seconds Then It’s Over
Climbs up a steep hill, drops you down the steep hill onto steel tracks that rocket you through two loops and then you black out and sort of forget the rest until it stops.
The front row. It’s better to look doom right in the eye.
Low
As you enter the loops, turn your head towards the midway to watch it flip upside down. This will increase the upchuck factor to High
Log Flume
Weaksauce Splash Mountain
Allows you to fulfill your dream of feeling what timber feels like on the way to the sawmill while getting your clothes soaking wet.
First two rows get wet.
Zero. It’s just a plastic log that goes down a hill.
The Samurai
Vicious Egg Beaters in the Sky
Flings you in every direction at once while you inventory everything you’ve eaten in the last hour. You just had to have those churros, didn’t you?
Not on the Samurai.
You will barf.
Cannibal
They Can See You Screaming on Google Earth.
Upside-down twisty thing from, like, up way, way, way, way up there and then, WHOOSH it’s over and you’ve lost all the change in your pockets.
Boomerang
Bumper Cars. It’s just bumper cars. Sheesh.
Allows younger brothers to enact bumper car vengeance on older brothers who think they are so cool.
Car number 8. Eight is your favorite number.
Low
The Terror Ride
That Horn at the End Scares You Every Time
Subjects you to being stuck on a track in a bad haunted house that isn’t even scary until OH MY GOD!
Between your mom and dad so it can’t get you.
None
The Wild Mouse
The Impertinent Neck-jerking Machine
Jars your neck and back at right angles enlivened by moments of tummy-flipping drops.
Doesn’t matter. This thing’ll jerk you around real good.
Low
The Roller Coaster
The White Roller Coaster
Gives you a sense of how boring life must have been in the 1920s.
Front. Always the front.
Medium
Wicked
WTF Just Happened?
Sorry, it’s way more fun to see the look on your face when you poop your pants.
Middle, back, wherever, you won’t see it coming.
High
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See more inside the 2017 May/June Issue.See more inside the 2017 May/June Issue.
