You (yes, you in the dad jeans) are not a kid anymore. Nevertheless, here you are at the Lagoon with your landlubber stomach. This is a guide for the wary.
Our Guide: Upchuck factor 
Tidal Wave
- What is it? A giant Sea-Saw Swing McBoatie
- What does it do? It puts whatever food you have in your stomach into free fall.
- What else? The extreme back rows exaggerate the effect.
Upchuck factor: High
Musik Express
- What is it? The Spinning Circle Ride Where the Sadistic Kid Operator Plays Nickelback Real Loud
- What does it do? It goes in circles, like, really fast over some hills and on an angle while loud, very bad music blares out of speakers creating a Doppler effect in your brain that lasts the rest of the day.
- Where to sit? It’s a circle, sit wherever.
- Upchuck Factor: High
Colossus: The Fire Dragon
- What is it? The One Where You Scream for 61 Seconds Then It’s Over
- What does it do? Climbs up a steep hill, drops you down the steep hill onto steel tracks that rocket you through two loops and then you black out and sort of forget the rest until it stops.
- Where to sit? The front row. It’s better to look doom right in the eye.
- Upchuck factor: Low
- What else? As you enter the loops, turn your head towards the midway to watch it flip upside down. Please note: this will increase the upchuck factor to High
Log Flume
- What is it? A weaksauce Splash Mountain
- What does it do? Allows you to fulfill your dream of feeling what timber feels like on the way to the sawmill while getting your clothes soaking wet.
- Where to sit? Like Seaworld. The first two rows get wet.
- Upchuck factor: Zero. It’s just a plastic log that goes down a hill.
The Samurai
- What is it? Vicious Egg Beaters in the Sky
- What does it do? Flings you in every direction at once while you inventory everything you’ve eaten in the last hour. You just had to have those churros, didn’t you?
- Where to sit? Not on the Samurai.
- Upchuck factor: You will barf.
Cannibal
- What is it? They Can See You Screaming on Google Earth.
- What does it do? Upside-down twisty thing from, like, up way, way, way, way up there and then, WHOOSH it’s over and you’ve lost all the change in your pockets.
- Where to sit? If you love terror, you’ll love the front row.
- Upchuck factor: Low
Boomerang
- What is it? Bumper Cars. It’s just bumper cars. Sheesh.
- What does it do? Allows younger brothers to enact bumper car vengeance on older brothers who think they are so cool.
- Where to sit? Car number 8. Eight is your favorite number.
- Upchuck factor: Low
The Terror Ride
- What is it? The Horn at the End Scares You Every Time
- What does it do? Subjects you to being stuck on a track in a bad haunted house that isn’t even scary until OH MY GOD!
- Where to sit? Between your mom and dad so it can’t get you.
- Upcuck factor: None
The Wild Mouse
- What is it? The Impertinent Neck-jerking Machine
- What does it do? Jars your neck and back at right angles enlivened by moments of tummy-flipping drops.
- Where to sit? Doesn’t matter. This thing’ll jerk you around real good.
- Upchack factor: Low
The Roller Coaster
- What is it? The White Roller Coaster (even though it’s brown)
- What does it do? Gives you a sense of how boring life must have been in the 1920s.
- Where to sit? Front. Always the front.
- Upchuck factor: Medium
Wicked
- What is it? WTF Just Happened?
- What does it do? Sorry, it’s way more fun to see the look on your face when you poop your pants.
- Where to sit? Middle, back, wherever, you won’t see it coming.
- Upchuck factor: High
Want more Lagoon lore?
- Check out our official Lagoon history guide here.
- Read our Mom’s guide to Lagoon “10 Tips and Tricks for a Perfect Lagoon Experience.”
- Read “I Was a Teenage Goonie,” writer Jeremy Pugh’s memories of working at Lagoon in the ’80s
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